In July 1969 I was suffering severely with Systemic Lupus Erythematosis. I became acutely ill with a kidney infection, and my temperature was creeping up to 105F. I began having a kind of nightmare. At the time, I remember thinking I must be delirious with the fever, but if this was so, it was strange that I was lucid enough to consider it! All I can vaguely remember was of horrible, frightening scenes flashing briefly before me.
I then looked up and saw a little window or opening, about 30 feet square, and I knew I was being given a glimpse into Heaven. The opening was filled with Heavenly blue sky. In the left hand corner was some very beautiful blossom. The nearest thing I could liken this to would be very wonderful apple blossom. In the top right hand corner was a dazzlingly brilliant, white light and I knew this was God the Father. He did not speak to me at all during the experience, but I had a one-sided conversation with Him! My first feelings, on realising that I must be either dead or dying, were of absolute shock and amazement. This has caused me to know, at a deeper level than most probably can, that we are exactly the same person a moment after we are dead as were the moment before. My first explosive comment of surprise to God the Father was, ‘I did not expect that kidney infection to kill me!’
My second comment showed I then had the lesson to learn that God will look after His own glory. I said to Him, ‘What is going to happen to the faith of all those people down there who I have told You’re going to heal me?’
Two years previously, following the diagnosis of SLE, after years of deteriorating health, I underwent major surgery and many, many tests. At that time God gave me the same promise three times, when I was praying for healing, that if I would rest in Him, He would give me my heart’s desire (Psalm 37). However, in spite of this, and following a trip to Burrswood in Kent to receive healing ministry, I was going downhill fast, and humanly speaking death looked inevitable. Lying in bed, feeling so ill, I cried out to God, particularly for my husband who then adored me, and for my children who would be left motherless.
Having had a horrendous childhood myself due to the lack of a mother, I could not see how anyone could really replace me for them. I struggled with God over this, knowing that He is God, and all things are possible to Him. I finally surrendered, though I could not understand it since I had had those promises. I told the Lord that, al though I did not know how He would replace me for the family, He was able do it. So, if it was His will for me to die, I was willing.
My third comment to God related to the above. I was by now in tears, as the full reality of the fact that I was dead or dying hit me, and I despaired for my family who would be left bereft. Tearfully, I then said to the Father, ‘I really thought I meant it when I said I was willing to die if that was Your will, but now it has come to the crunch, I realise I am not as willing as I thought I was. Please make me willing’. Word for word I remember the conversation very well!
The vision then faded and somebody, who I presumed was an angel, took me by the right hand and led me up the hill to Calvary. Unlike so many pictures of Calvary, which look from the front, we approached from the left side. The whole scene was in darkness, eerily lit by the only light that was coming from behind me, from where the angel had brought me. I did not see the crosses, though I may have had a glimpse of the base of Jesus’ cross. This could have been imagination, because I knew where I was and what I was looking at, but I burst into tears at the pain of it all, and pleaded with the angel who had led me there, ‘Please, don’t make me look’.
The scene immediately changed, and I was running along the northern side of the Chapel at Burrswood, a Christian Centre of healing where Christianity and medicine work hand in hand. I was running along a covered, cloister-type way, which I do not recall from when my husband took me there to receive ministry. Although I was running along the ground it felt almost as though I was flying, I was so weightless, and the movement was so easy. I entered the Chapel, presumably through the wall of the north transept. I was immediately alongside people kneeling at the communion rail to receive the laying on of hands for healing, as I had done myself. At once I started to pray for them and then, as I looked up, in the space where in actuality there is a circular window, I saw Jesus! It was just His head and shoulders, with His head turned slightly from me. Gasping inside with the sheer wonder of it all, and unable here to adequately express the awesome joy of this sight, I gasped out to Him, ‘Oh Jesus, is it really You?’ He turned and smiled at me so lovingly, answering, ‘Yes Pam, it is Me’. My immediate reaction was one of inner turmoil as my finite mind tried to grasp the wonderful reality of this experience. I was mentally pinching myself to be sure it was really happening, meanwhile thinking hard, no word spoken, that I must believe this and have faith that it was really happening.
As though Jesus knew exactly what I was thinking, (which of course, He does!) and the inner turmoil I was experiencing, the scene faded and a back cloth of brick red appeared. On this, as I watched, something or someone wrote – in smoke – the letters IHS. They actually appeared as though being written in the normal way with ink, but these were in the same colours of gold, silver and white, as the clothes Jesus had been wearing.
I know some people give the well-known lettering IHS the English rendering of ‘In His Service’, but Jesus knew that I would know this was a sign from Him to confirm His appearance to me.
The day following this experience I was taken into hospital. When I came out, I looked up IHS in the Oxford Dictionary. There were several different translations of In Hoc Signo. The translation that leaped from the page for me was the version, ‘In this sign you will conquer’.
This was the only time anything other than God’s Word has done this with such an impact, and made me sure it was God speaking.